Fun in the Oven
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: After some unusual physical changes, Harley Quinn consults a doctor to discover that she's pregnant. But when she tries to tell the Joker, things don't quite go to plan. With Harley's pregnancy and looming parenthood, the Clown Couple face an even greater challenge than Batman ever thought about being. Will they finally win one? Thanks to MinaHarkerBlack for the suggestion! :-)
1. Chapter 1

**Fun in the Oven**

"Harley! Hurry up in there, would ya?" snapped the Joker, checking his watch and pounding on the bathroom door. "How long does it take to put on some goddamn makeup, for Christ's sake?"

"I'm…almost ready, puddin'!" called Harley.

"I don't wanna be late for this fight with the Bat, Harl!" shouted Joker. "Everyone's expecting us to be there! And I still need a shower, y'know!"

He suddenly heard a sound, and grew angry. "Harley, pretending to throw up when I talk about getting a shower isn't funny!" he snapped. The sound continued, and the Joker slowly began to realize Harley wasn't pretending.

"Harley?" he called. "Are you sick?"

"No, I'm not, puddin'!" said Harley, hastily. "I'm not…I can come on this job, really! I feel fine!"

"Harley, just let me in!" he snapped.

The door unlocked and Harley opened it, dressed in a fluffly bathrobe. Her face was pale, but free of makeup, and her eyes had dark circles around them. "You look terrible," said Joker, bluntly.

"I…feel fine, puddin'," she repeated, as he followed her into the bathroom. She suddenly fell to her knees in front of the toilet again and began coughing.

"You're sick," he insisted. "And you ain't infecting me. You're staying home."

"Puddin', please, I'm fine," said Harley, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. "Don't worry. I ain't sick, I…"

She buried her face in the toilet again. "You drunk?" he demanded. "Because that's the only other explanation I can think of."

"Please just…let me go with you, puddin'," begged Harley. "Please, please, please, please…"

"Get dressed and we'll see," interrupted Joker.

Harley nodded, hurrying to her feet and racing back into the bedroom. The truth was, she was worried. She had been throwing up like that every morning for a week. But she didn't feel sick at all, although she admitted to herself that she looked a little off. She couldn't think of any reason for it, which only made the situation even more puzzling. But she was desperate not to let it affect her performance for Mr. J.

She dressed quickly in her usual, skintight, harlequin costume, put on her makeup, and waited for Mr. J to emerge from the shower. He did several minutes later, a towel wrapped around his waist. "You feeling any better, Harl…" he began, but stopped talking suddenly, staring at her.

"Mr…J?" said Harley, puzzled. She followed his eyes down to her chest. "What is it?"

"You wearing a new bra?" he asked.

"No," she said, confused. "Why?"

"You sure?" he said.

"Yeah, I'm sure," she retorted. "It's my usual…ow, Mr. J!" she snapped as he roughly grabbed one of her breasts. "Stop it! They're really sensitive lately!"

"They're more than sensitive," he murmured. "They're bigger, baby."

"No, they ain't, puddin'…" she began.

"Oh, believe me, they are," he whispered, feeling them. "A guy notices these things."

"But…I don't understand…why…Mr. J…oh, Mr. J!" gasped Harley, as he began kissing her passionately.

"Let's go back to bed, pumpkin," he whispered, continuing to kiss and feel her. "Daddy wants some playtime with his Harley girl."

"But…but you got a battle with the Bat scheduled, puddin'…" she stammered, astonished.

"I don't care," he interrupted, shoving her down on the bed.

A few hours later, the phone rang. "Mmm…hello?" said Harley's voice, blissfully.

"Harley? Are you ok?" asked Poison Ivy.

"Oh yeah, I'm great, Red," purred Harley. "Everything's just great…Mr. J, stop it, you bad boy!" she giggled.

"Is this a…bad time?" asked Ivy, slowly.

"No, Red, Mr. J's just being a naughty boy, and I'll spank him for it later," said Harley. "What's on your mind?"

"Well, I was worried when you and J didn't show up to fight Bats at the museum," said Ivy, puzzled. "Everyone thought something must have happened to you."

"Uh…no, Red, nothing happened," said Harley, slowly. "Mr. J just decided he wanted to do…something else today."

"Or someone else, right, kiddo?" chuckled Joker.

"Mr. J, stop!" giggled Harley.

"Oh…really?" asked Ivy, surprised. "That's…kinda unusual for J, putting you in front of Batman."

"Oh, well, I guess Mr. J decided he'd have more fun playing at home," giggled Harley. "Did the fight go well?"

"Not really – Nygma got dragged back to Arkham, but the rest of us managed to escape."

"Sounds like the fight went well to me!" chuckled Joker. "Kinda sorry to have missed it. But Daddy preferred playing with his baby in bed, didn't he, pooh?"

"Puddin', please…just leave 'em alone!" giggled Harley. "I keep telling you they're not bigger…"

"What's…not bigger?" asked Ivy, wondering if she really wanted to know.

"Mr. J thinks my boobs are bigger than usual," explained Harley. "I keep telling him they're not…"

"And I keep telling her a guy notices these things," retorted Joker. "All men are boob men. Well, unless they're gay. I mean, they're called funbags, for goodness sake, how could I not love 'em? And I'll be honest, Harley's always needed a little filling out in that department, but it looks like my dreams are finally coming true!"

"Why…would Harley's boobs be bigger?" asked Ivy.

"That's what I wanna know!" retorted Harley. "I think he's just making all this up!"

Personally, Ivy agreed. She knew the Joker hated being predictable, and putting Batman first all the time had gotten kinda predictable. Maybe he was doing this just to keep everyone on their toes. Plus she knew that Harley had always had an insecurity about her small chest size, and she assumed Joker knew it too. She guessed he was telling her this as a cruel joke, to build up her self-image and then dash it when it was at its peak. That sounded like the kinda thing the creep would do.

"Oh...Mr. J...again? You greedy boy! I…gotta go, Red," gasped Harley, in between kisses. "Talk to you…"

The phone cut off. Ivy sighed heavily. "Well, now I have to go try to remove some rather disturbing mental images from my brain," she muttered, standing up. "I hate my life. I really do."


	2. Chapter 2

A week later, since the morning vomiting hadn't stopped, Harley went to consult the doctor about what could possibly be wrong with her. And the shriek of joy when the doctor informed her she was pregnant could probably have been heard all the way in Metropolis. Harley drove home from the hospital absolutely elated, trying to figure out the best way to tell puddin' the good news.

Harley considered plan after plan, but they all seemed imperfect somehow. She wanted this to be the most special moment of both of their lives, until the baby was born, of course.

She had considered putting a jack-in-the-box in the oven holding a bun, that would spring out when he opened it, but then she realized Mr. J never cooked. Then she thought maybe putting a note saying _You're gonna be a Daddy! _in his sock drawer would be a good plan, when she realized she always fetched Mr. J's socks for him. And then she thought baking him a cake saying _We're expecting!_ was a great idea, before she remembered she couldn't bake.

Finally, she resolved that simple straightforwardness was best way, so a few weeks later, she knocked nervously on the door to his study. Joker hadn't left the room in several days – the world was dead to him when he was working on one of his schemes, and he was irritated at being disturbed from them now.

"What?" he snapped.

Harley judged by his tone that now was a bad time. "Don't worry, puddin', it's nothing," she said, popping her head in the door. "I'll tell ya later..."

"Tell me what?" he demanded, rounding on her. His eyes widened in a mixture of shock and horror. "What the hell have you done to your hair?!" he demanded.

"My hair?" repeated Harley. She glanced in the mirror. "Oh…I stopped dying it. You know I ain't a natural blonde, puddin'…"

"You were blonde when we met," he snapped.

"I…dyed my hair then, puddin'…" said Harley, slowly. "But…but I ain't gonna do that for…a little while…"

"Why not? It looks awful," snapped Joker. "You don't look at all like Harley. Harley is blonde. You ain't Harley if you ain't blonde. Go dye it right now and stop bothering me," he said, returning to his work.

"I…I can't do that, puddin'," said Harley, slowly.

He turned slowly back around to face her. "You can't do what I just ordered you to do?" he hissed.

"No," she stammered. "I…"

"You what?!" he shouted, standing up furiously. "What is it?! Why are you making this into a huge deal?! Just go dye your goddamn hair!"

"It _is _a huge deal, puddin'," pleaded Harley. "I can't…"

"Don't you dare defy me, you little slut, or I'll beat you so hard you won't be able to walk for a week!"

"You…you can't hit me, Mr. J," stammered Harley, tears coming to her eyes. "Please…please just calm down…"

"You give me one good reason why I shouldn't slap you so hard your head spins!" hissed Joker, raising his fist.

Harley stared back at him, tears falling down her face. This wasn't how she had wanted to tell him, begging him not to hurt their baby. And this wasn't how she was gonna tell him, she vowed suddenly.

"I…gotta go, Mr. J," she gasped, racing from the room.

"Harley! Harley, get back here, you little brat!" shouted Joker, racing after her. But Harley was out the front door and in the car before Joker had even reached the threshold. He watched her drive off, furious. "Yeah, get outta here, ya ungrateful dame!" he shouted. "You're in for such a beating when you get back! Stupid kid," he muttered, returning to his study and slamming the door.

The phone rang suddenly. "Harley, get that!" shouted Joker. "Harley! Oh, that's right, she's run off," he grumbled, answering it himself. "Hello?"

"J, where's Harley?" asked Two-Face, surprised.

"She ran off after I tried to hit her for interrupting me," said Joker. "So, y'know, maybe it's not a good time to interrupt me, Harv."

"O…K. A couple of us were coming round to mine to watch the game tonight. You in?"

"Who's a couple of us?" asked Joker.

"Me, Cobblepot, Scarface, and Crane."

"Crane?" repeated Joker. "Why? I can tell by looking at him the only games he's ever watched have been chess matches."

"He said one of the players was a former student of his, and he wants to see him fail," replied Two-Face.

Joker checked his watch. "Yeah, should have time to finish up. Be over in about an hour?"

"See you then," said Two-Face.

Joker put down the phone, smiling. "Now see, guys," he said, happily. "Just saying what they mean. No tricks, no riddles, unless you're Nygma, but he can hardly be considered a guy. Just straight, honest, plain speaking. Why can't women be more like that?"


	3. Chapter 3

Harley knocked on the door to Ivy's apartment. "Harley, like the hair. What are you doing here?" asked Ivy as she opened the door.

"I…uh…just needed a place to stay for…a little while, Red," stammered Harley. "Just until Mr. J calms down a little…"

"Oh, he hasn't kicked you out again, has he?!" demanded Ivy, furiously. "He's scum, Harley! When are you going to get that through your head?!"

"Is…uh…this a bad time?" asked Harley. "Because I can go ask Selina if she…"

"Hi Harley, what are you doing here?" asked Selina, appearing at the door suddenly. "Didn't think these meetings would be quite your thing."

"Meetings?" repeated Harley, confused.

Ivy raised her cocktail glass, and Harley suddenly realized where the anger had come from. "Selina and I have formed a social club of women who are trying to swear off men," said Ivy.

"What, you mean like…lesbians?" asked Harley, quietly.

"I mean women who want to get a little independence and self-respect back," retorted Ivy.

"So yeah, not your thing at all," said Selina.

"It's like Alcoholics Anonymous, but with more alcohol," continued Ivy. "I call it Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented, Cherished, Heavenly, Elegant, Sex-goddesses, or B.I.T.C.H.E.S for short. Our motto is 'Men are From Mars, so Let's Kill All the Martians.'"

"O…K," said Harley, slowly. "I'm just gonna…leave you to your meeting then…"

"No, Harley, this will do you some good, especially since the jerk's kicked you out again," said Ivy, grabbing her arm and dragging her inside. "Maybe the ladies can finally help me talk you into getting some self-esteem back and dumping the clown once and for all. What do you say, ladies?"

A group of very angry looking women all cheered as Ivy forced Harley into a seat in the middle of them. "Drink?" she said, holding up a a cocktail.

"Uh…no, thanks," said Harley.

"Oh, c'mon, it'll help," said Ivy, shoving it into her hands.

"No, Red, I really can't drink…" began Harley.

"I know we were talking about our worst ex-boyfriends, ladies, but Harley has gotta hold the record for that, huh, Harley?" asked Ivy.

"Uh…no, Red, I'm really happy with Mr. J…"

"Happy?" repeated Selina. "The creep just threw you out of your own home!"

The other women booed. "He constantly abuses you, mentally and physically!" said Ivy.

More booing. "He's an abusive, violent, bullying psychopath," said Selina. "It's in his file – look it up."

"And you have been a slave to him for too long, Harley," said Ivy. "But not anymore!" she shouted, holding up Harley's hand. "Tonight Harley is gonna swear off that clown once and for all!"

The woman all cheered. "No, Red, you don't understand," hissed Harley, pulling her hand down. "Everything is different now…"

"Harley, the clown will never change," interrupted Ivy. "It's no good thinking you can influence him."

"I tried influencing my ex-husband," said another woman. "He never helped around the house. I thought things would change after the marriage. It didn't – if anything he became even more lazy."

"Oh, well, I already do all the chores for Mr. J," said Harley, smiling. "So that ain't ever gonna be a problem if we do get married."

"Why would you debase yourself by slaving away for some man?" demanded another woman.

"Uh…well…I love him," said Harley, slowly.

The women all laughed. "Big mistake, honey," said another. "You fall in love with them, they got you wrapped around their little finger. You gotta remain strong, have boundaries, always make 'em think you'll leave at any moment if they don't treat you like the goddess you are."

"I…I ain't a goddess," stammered Harley.

"All women are goddesses," said another woman. "And we deserve to be worshipped all the time. Once a guy starts treating you like a human being, you dump him."

"But I…am a human being," said Harley, slowly.

"Aw, honey, don't think like that," said another. "You're right, Ivy, this creep has done some real damage. You're not a human being, Harley. You're a princess, a goddess, a tigress, an angel."

"Yeah? I'm all those things?" asked Harley, puzzled. "Because that'd look pretty weird all mixed together…"

"All those things and more," said the woman, nodding. "There's no one on earth more special than you, baby. It's about time you hear those words from someone, huh?"

"Well…I know Mr. J thinks that, so he don't really need to say it," said Harley. "I mean, he picked me outta all the women in the world to be his Harley Quinn, and that's pretty flattering if you think about it…"

"Where's the ring, sweetheart?" said another woman, nodding at her hand.

"What?" asked Harley.

"If he really thought you were the most special woman in the world, he'd put a ring on it," said the woman, and all the other women applauded and cheered.

"Oh, well, it'd be nice to get married," said Harley, nodding. "But, y'know, he don't really need to marry me, because I know that he loves me forever…"

The woman all started booing again. "But it's true!" exclaimed Harley.

"It's not true!" shouted another of the women. "Men are incapable of commitment! Harley, I've been where you are! You keep making excuses for 'em, but you gotta realize that that's all it is – excuses!"

"You ain't dated puddin'," snapped Harley. "You don't know him…"

"Oh, they're all the same, Harley!" she replied. "Selfish, lazy, cruel, and they're only after one thing. Once they get it, they're off like a shot to spread their seed elsewhere. It's simple biology."

"Not all men are like that…" began Harley.

"Ladies, are all men like that?" asked Ivy.

They cheered. "You're outvoted, Harley," snapped Ivy, taking another drink.

"Red, you can't generalize about an entire gender," said Harley. "And you can't write off an entire gender just from a few bad experiences…"

"Of course we can, Harley," snapped Ivy. "We can do whatever we want. We're women, and we're empowered."

Another cheer at this. "Now drink up, Harley, while the other ladies share their worst ex stories," said Ivy, nodding at the room.

Harley sighed heavily, pouring her drink into a potted plant while no one was looking. "I gotta get outta here," she muttered, reaching discreetly for her cell phone.


	4. Chapter 4

"What's that?"

"It's a field goal."

"And that's six points?"

"Three."

"I see," said Jonathan Crane, eyes narrowed in concentration as he studied the television screen. "I must say, for a game called football, there is a surprising lack of foot contact with the ball."

"You'll get the hang of it," said Penguin. "Eventually."

"He's doing terribly well, isn't he?" Crane muttered, as the football player who had kicked the field goal began hugging his teammates. "Damn him!"

"Why do you hate the kid so much?" asked Two-Face.

"I don't hate him," retorted Crane. "He just had the gall to tell me once that he thought his football practice was more important than my essays."

"It probably was, to him," said Two-Face.

"My dear Harvey, exercises of the mind are objectively more important than exercises of the body," snapped Crane. "Isn't that right, Oswald?"

"Quite right," agreed the Penguin. "But the brainless brutes among us will insist that physical strength is the only measure of a man."

"They're just jealous, of course," said Crane.

"Yeah, I bet he really regrets not writing that essay, Johnny," said Joker, nodding at the screen where a very attractive blonde woman sat waving from the stands. "I mean, he's only got money, fame, and a hot girlfriend now, which he clearly had to settle for. Everyone knows the real hot dames wanna be with the brainy guys. That's why you have to fight to keep 'em off you, eh, Johnny?"

Crane was about to respond caustically when his phone rang. "Hey, answer that in the other room, would ya?" snapped Joker. "Some of us are trying to watch the game!"

Crane sighed, standing up and leaving the room. "Hello?" he said, answering the phone.

"Johnny, it's me."

"Harley, this is a pleasant surprise," said Crane, smiling. "What can I do for you?"

"Can you drive over to Ivy's and come pick me up?" asked Harley. "Only I'm stuck here at a B.I.T.C.H.E.S meeting."

"I'm…afraid I'm unfamiliar with that organization," said Crane, slowly.

"They're a bunch of militant feminist-types who wanna castrate everything in pants," explained Harley. "It's just real uncomfortable, y'know, since I'm in a happy relationship with Mr. J and everything. They keep trying to get me to dump him."

"Well, you might consider it, Harley…" said Crane, slowly.

"Johnny, please, just come get me, all right?" asked Harley.

"I'm…actually over at Two-Face's, and the Joker is here with me," said Crane. "Shall I bring you back here so you can join us?"

"Mr. J is there?" asked Harley. She sighed. "In that case, just…forget it. I'll drive home later. But thanks anyway, Johnny."

"Harley, what…" began Crane, but she had already hung up. He sighed, returning to the living room. "Did you kick Harley out again?" he asked Joker.

Joker put a finger to his lips. "Wait until the commercial break to talk, or I'll cut your face off," he whispered dangerously.

Crane obeyed. "Now what's this about Harley?" Joker asked, turning to him at last.

"Did you kick her out again?" repeated Crane. "Because she's stuck in some meeting at Ivy's now."

"Oh, is this her man-hating society?" asked Two-Face. "She founded that after we broke up."

"Which time?" asked Joker, grinning.

"Said the pot to the kettle," retorted Two-Face. "It's just a club where a bunch of desperate, lonely women try to blame guys for their own failings."

"Making sweeping generalizations about an entire gender," sighed Joker. "Ain't that just like women?"

"Dames," said Scarface, shaking his head. "Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. I've been thinking of dumping this dummy here for a hot broad," he said, gesturing at the Ventriloquist.

"Really? You're saying that with him right there?" asked Joker.

"Hey, he's gotta know sometime," said Scarface, shrugging.

"Well, I'm fine living without women," growled Two-Face. "Bunch of irrational, hormonal, bitchy airheads."

"Boy, are they ever," said Joker, nodding. "Take Harley, for instance. Just stopped dying her hair, for no reason. So I tell her she's gotta dye her hair back, and she refuses me and acts like it's a huge deal. And she always used to love being hit before, but today she actually ran away from me when I raised my fist. That ain't like Harley! Just nuts, I tell ya."

He sipped his beer. "And that ain't the only way she's been acting strange lately," he continued. "She's been throwing up every morning for the past few weeks, but says she feels fine. And I swear to God her boobs have gotten bigger, not that I'm complaining about that," he chuckled.

Crane stared at him, aghast. "W…what?" he stammered.

Joker sighed heavily. "Ok, Craney, see, women have these things called boobs…"

"Yes, I know what breasts are!" snapped Crane. "You're saying they've become…enlarged? And she's been ill in the mornings? And she won't go near hair chemicals, or submit to violence?"

"Yeah. Weird, huh?" asked Joker.

"Oh…my God," gasped Crane, burying his face in his hands. "Oh my God! Joker, do you honestly have no idea what that means?"

Joker shrugged. "She's a freak?" he said, taking a sip from his drink.

Crane looked up at him. "Joker, Harley is pregnant," he murmured.

Joker spat his drink out suddenly, and then laughed hysterically. "Nice one, Johnny! But no, she ain't."

"It's obvious from the symptoms you describe," he retorted.

"How would you know, nerd?" demanded Joker. "You ain't never got a dame pregnant! I doubt you even know how to go about doing that!"

"I do, because I read," retorted Crane. "You should try it sometime. It allows you to gain knowledge and experience of things you may not actually have personally experienced. It allows you to know that the world is round without actually having to go into space and see it."

"Yeah, if you trust the media," retorted Joker. "Which I don't. And I definitely don't trust some nerdy loser telling me my girlfriend is pregnant! It's not possible!"

"You two have sex?" asked Two-Face.

"Of course we do," snapped Joker.

"Then it's possible," replied Two-Face.

"No, it ain't!" shouted Joker. "Look, I know you're both trying to be funny, but I handle the jokes around here, and anyway, it's not funny! Harley being pregnant is not a joke, so just cut it out right now! She ain't pregnant! She would have told me…"

He trailed off. "Oh my God, I have to go get her," he muttered, racing for the door.

"J, are you nuts?!" exclaimed Two-Face, grabbing his arm. "You can't go over there! You don't know these kinda women – they'll eat you alive!"

"You're saying I should abandon pregnant Harley to those mad feminists?!" demanded Joker. "Well, I've abandoned Harley to a lot of things – the Bat, the cops, a pack of hyenas in the wild once, but never mad feminists! I care about her a little more than that, thank you very much! And I'll be damned if the first words my son hears inside his mother's womb is 'Death to all men!'"

"If you didn't even notice Harley was pregnant, I doubt the baby's developed ears yet…" began Penguin.

"What if your kid's a dame?" interrupted Scarface.

"I still don't want her to hate men," retorted Joker. "Well, unless one of 'em dumps her, but then I'll kill him anyway, so she ain't got nothing to worry about. I'll see you guys later!"

"We should really go after him," said Penguin after the door shut.

"I'm not rushing into that cougar pit," retorted Two-Face. "It's a suicide mission!"

Crane stood up. "I'll go," he said, reaching for his jacket. "Call me if my former student begins to play badly and utterly humiliates himself…wait, what's happening here?" he asked, smiling as he looked at the scuffle on the screen.

"He just made a touchdown," said Two-Face.

Crane beamed. "Touch-_down_, eh? That doesn't sound very good at all. So, Mr. Scott, who has the last laugh now?" he said, chuckling as he left the room.

"Should we tell him that…" began Scarface.

"No," interrupted Two-Face. "No, just leave it. I'm sure he'll find out someday."


	5. Chapter 5

"…so I saw my ex recently with another woman…"

Harley had been daydreaming about her, Mr. J, and their future with the baby, but she was brought back to reality with a bump at the loud booing that these words provoked.

"No, it's ok, because when I saw him and talked to him again, I realized I must have been completely out of my mind to date him," continued the woman. "I mean, first of all, he looks like a cross between Killer Croc and the bad half of Two-Face's face."

"Actually, I think Harvey's bad side is pretty attractive," said Ivy, quietly. "It's so...rough and...hard."

"No, you don't, Ivy," said Selina. "You hate him, remember?"

"Oh…yeah. Yeah," said Ivy, firmly. "Yeah, I hate him and his…naughty grin just before he reaches for my…"

"Just continue with the story, Alison," said Selina to the woman.

"Ok, so, I'm talking to the guy, and I realize, he's, like, a total idiot," continued the woman. "Like he and his new girlfriend were having coffee, and he called his espresso an _ex_presso. Which is what I'm lucky to call him, right, ladies?"

All the women laughed. "Well, if you hate him so much, why did you date him in the first place?" asked Harley, confused.

Everyone turned to face her. "I mean…if you think he's so stupid and ugly, you should never have had anything to do with him ever," she continued, slowly. "It just makes you look kinda dumb and petty to say things like that now. Like you're just grasping at straws to try to find ways to make yourself feel better because you subconsciously realize you've actually made a huge mistake, or you're afraid of being alone, or you're still angry about being dumped. Either way, it's not at all a mature response, and it's pretty humiliating to other women who have managed to get along with their exes and are maybe disappointed that it didn't work out, but appreciate their time together for what it was and look back on it fondly. I mean, there's no such thing as love in vain. Just look at Red here. You and Harvey broke up, but you still managed to remain good friends, huh?"

"Yep. Good friends," agreed Ivy. "With benefits. A lotta benefits…excuse me, I gotta go call him," she said, racing from the room.

"I mean, I get it, I really do," continued Harley. "When Mr. J breaks up with me and kicks me out, I get angry with him and sometimes I think I hate him. But I always realize that if I really hated him, I wouldn't be stupid enough to stay in a relationship with him, especially with the way he treats me sometimes. I just remember all the good times we've had, all the smiles and the laughter, and I realize that sometimes it's worth putting up with the fights and the struggles, because we got something that's worth all that. We got love. And if you got love, it's worth hanging onto. If you got love, you can accomplish anything. And Mr. J and me…we've got love."

Most of the women in the room had teared up. "That is so beautiful!" gasped one.

"Harvey, I need you right now!" hissed Ivy over the phone. "You're saying a stupid football game is more important than me?! So why won't you…the coin?! The coin, really, Harvey?! You know that stupid coin is the reason things can never work out between us! It's me or the coin, Harvey, choose right now! No, don't flip the coin to…well then, fine! Fine! Just take your stupid coin and shove it up your…"

She slammed the phone down furiously. "Y'see?! Men are creeps!" she hissed, grabbing another drink. "You give 'em chance after chance, and they're still creeps! That's the moral of Harley's relationship if anything is! She can say whatever she wants, but we all got eyes! We can see what's really going on! J doesn't love her! Nobody who loved her would treat her the way he does! And he'll never change! He'll never stop abusing her…"

"Yeah, he will, Red," said Harley, with a small smile as she glanced down at her stomach. "For a little while at least, he's gonna have to…"

"See, this is the kind of stupid, blind faith in him that keeps you trapped in that toxic relationship!" snapped Ivy. "I promise you, Harley, you'll be so much happier in the long run if you just dump him!"

"Nah, couldn't do that, Red," murmured Harley, smiling at her. "Couldn't do that to the father of my child."

Ivy stared at her, wondering if the amount she had been drinking had affected her hearing, or if she was just in the middle of some horrible nightmare. She had had the pregnant Harley nightmare before, and it never ended well. "What…did you say?" Ivy stammered.

"I said I couldn't do that to…the father of my child," said Harley, beaming. "I'm pregnant, Red. I'm gonna have puddin's baby."

And the horror of the statement suddenly overcame her, and Ivy fainted.


	6. Chapter 6

"…that's another touchdown for Eddie Scott – the Gotham City Wildcats are killing it tonight…" blared the radio as Joker and Crane drove hastily through the streets of Gotham.

"Joker, what is a touch-down?" asked Crane.

"It's a goal. Gets you six points," replied Joker.

"Damn him!" growled Crane, folding his arms across his chest and scowling at the radio.

"Geez, you don't hold a grudge, do ya, Johnny?" said Joker, glancing at him. "So a guy chooses to do football practice over an essay of yours ages ago. So what? It's not like he killed your parents, or pushed you into a vat of acid or something."

"It's the principle of the thing, Joker," retorted Crane. "I can't expect you to understand it."

"No, it's crazy," agreed Joker. "And I usually understand that. So the fact that I don't just makes this beyond crazy. And you don't wanna go there, Johnny. Trust me, I've been. I was Martha Wayne, Bats was Thomas Wayne, it was all really messed up."

"Why…" began Crane, but Joker held his hand up.

"Never ask why with crazy, Johnny," he muttered. "It don't have a reason. Do you wonder why Batsy is Batsy?"

"Yes, I often consider what could drive a man to…"

"No reason. Just crazy," interrupted Joker.

Crane sighed. "Eddie Scott was…everything I wasn't," he muttered. "Strong, handsome, athletic. He was also a genuinely decent young man, very kind, not your typical jock. And he was an excellent student, with a bright mind that showed great promise. I liked him. I really did. And he respected me. He was actually very interested in pursuing a career in academia. I encouraged him to try to enroll in a Masters program – he would have made a very capable teacher. As part of the Masters application process, he had to write an essay explaining why he wanted to do the course. But he never did it. He told me that he had chosen to pursue his football career instead."

He sighed again. "When he told me he wouldn't do that essay…it was like he was telling me my whole life was a waste. He didn't mean it that way, but I couldn't help but feel that the route I had taken was…a lesser path, somehow. I mean, if men were allowed to choose their destines, don't you think I would have chosen his? Of course I would have. Who wouldn't want to be a professional athlete over a college professor? But I…never had that choice. And I suppose it just bothered me that he did. And that he…made his life into a success. While my life has been nothing but one failure after another."

"Shouldn't compare your life to other people's, Johnny," retorted Joker. "You'll go crazy. And you never really know the full story. I mean, yeah, he may be professionally successful, but maybe his girlfriend's cheating on him or something. Maybe he's gonna get an injury that'll ruin his career forever. And maybe some small part of him does kinda wish he'd taken that other road. I mean, some people don't actually love being in the spotlight all the time, myself not included. Maybe he would actually prefer a nice teaching job somewhere quiet, away from the bright lights. It's like Harley and me."

"How…is it anything like Harley and you?" asked Crane, puzzled.

"Well, people look at our relationship and judge it as crazy and horrible," he said, shrugging. "They think she's nuts to stay with me, or stupid, or both. And they think I'm just some abusive bully who don't care about her. But you know that ain't the case, right, Craney?"

"Is this…a trick question?" asked Crane, slowly.

"Oh yeah, I hit her," agreed Joker. "But she loves it. Pain's kinda an aphrodisiac for both of us. And it ain't abuse if it's consensual. If I didn't care about the little brat, I wouldn't keep her around, would I? I'd get bored or shoot her in the head or something. Some mornings I wake up, and I'm just in the mood to strangle something, y'know?"

"No…"

"Oh, c'mon, Johnny, everybody has homicidal tendencies in the morning," snapped Joker.

"Well…I suppose if it's particularly early," agreed Crane.

"Yeah, see? So I wake up, and I wanna strangle something, and Harley's just lying there next to me, smiling and trying to suffocate me, and I think it would be so easy to just grab her around that pretty little throat and choke the life outta her. But y'know what, Johnny? I don't."

Crane just stared at him. "So…you refraining from murdering her every morning is…proof that you love her?" he asked.

"Of course it is!" snapped Joker. "When have I ever refrained from killing people before? It's hilarious! But it wouldn't be hilarious killing Harley, y'know? She's more fun alive. So I repress my homicidal tendencies toward her, and I don't kill her. And that's love."

"I…don't believe that's the…traditional view…" began Crane.

"Well, you wouldn't expect anything about me and Harley to be traditional, would ya?" interrupted Joker. "And who said there was only one version of love? It's still love, ain't it?"

"Perhaps…of a kind…" agreed Crane, slowly.

"See, this is your problem, Johnny," said Joker. "You're obsessed with labels. Eddie Scott's a success. You're a failure. I'm an abuser. Harley's a victim. Our relationship is toxic. You can't just go around slapping labels on things and expect to be happy. That's what Batsy does, but he just don't get that the world ain't black and white like that. He thinks we're evil. You think you're evil, Johnny?"

"No…"

"And he thinks he's good. Do you think he's good, Johnny?"

"No…"

"So y'see? Sometimes you gotta think a little outside the box about things. I know I do. Sometimes I forget there even is a box. Or I kick a hole in the box. Or I just crush the box and dance on its grave. And look what a happy and successful guy I am. I got a job I love, a nemesis to foil, a hot girlfriend, who's pregnant…"

He trailed off. "Congratulations," said Crane, trying to break the awkward silence. "You must be very excited to be a father. I know I would be."

"Yeah? You want kids?" Joker asked, looking at him.

"I always have," replied Crane.

"Well, having sex is the first step, y'know," chuckled Joker. "And considering you didn't know what boobs were about twenty minutes ago, I wouldn't relish your chances. I mean, that's pretty basic stuff, Johnny. You ever even touched a woman's chest?"

"What I have or haven't done to a woman is not something I'd like to discuss, thank you," snapped Crane.

"There's probably a lot more haven't dones than haves, just saying," said Joker, grinning.

"You're deflecting the conversation away from yourself by insulting others," retorted Crane. "That's classic human behavior when confronted with a fearful situation."

"Wow, nice shrinking there, Johnny," said Joker, sarcastically. "You just think you know everything, don't you?"

"I know fear," replied Crane. "I am intimately familiar with all aspects of it."

"Fear ain't a dame, then!" chuckled Joker.

"Look, just admit it!" snapped Crane. "You are afraid of it, aren't you?"

"Of what?" asked Joker.

"Harley's pregnancy. Being a father. Failing at being a good father. The responsibility of parenthood is an enormous one, and it's obviously not one you planned on having. Your life is going to change in new and drastic ways. Fear would not be a shameful emotion in such circumstances."

"Well, sorry to disappoint you, Johnny, but I ain't afraid of anything," retorted Joker. "You tried fear gassing me once, remember? And I sure as hell didn't see a bunch of little Jokers running around. What kinda baby is afraid of babies?" he laughed.

Crane was silent. "Do you want to know why I want children?" he asked.

"Because you're afraid of dying alone?" asked Joker. "That seems pretty likely, by the way…"

"Partially," interrupted Crane. "And partially because my own childhood…was not a very happy one. My parents were…stern people, and when I was bullied at school, they always just told me to ignore it. Get over it. Be a man. Men…suffered in silence, you see, men didn't cry, men just…I don't know. Kept their anger and their hatred and their pain and their fear locked inside all the time. I…didn't do that. I…disappointed them. But the failure was not on my side, it was on theirs. They had failed as parents. They didn't make me feel valued or loved or…worth their time, even. So I've spent my whole life lacking those feelings of…self-worth. Feeling inferior. And it's a feeling that's stayed with me to this day, all because my parents failed to show me that…I was loved."

He expected Joker to say something sarcastic, but he didn't. "I want to have kids, because I want to succeed where my parents failed," Crane continued. "I want to tell them and show them every second of every day that I love them. I want them to never have to experience what I've experienced, and never suffer the way I've suffered. You see, parents can ruin a child's whole life, if they're not careful. And that's a very frightening responsibility. Wouldn't you agree?"

"Yeah," murmured Joker. "I guess it is."

He sighed heavily. "Well, I'm afraid now," he snapped, glaring at Crane. "I'm afraid my kid'll turn out like you, some nerdy loser with no social skills and a permanent inferiority complex."

"That's good," said Crane, nodding. "People always say fear cripples you, but there are many benefits to being a little afraid, you know. Sometimes it saves you from making mistakes. Embrace the fear, and overcome it, but always be aware of it."

"Yeah, that's good advice, Johnny," said Joker, nodding. "Can you do me a favor? Can you give me a picture of yourself?"

"Why?" asked Crane, puzzled.

"So I can keep it somewhere fairly prominent as a reminder of what failure looks like," said Joker. "Might scare me straight whenever I'm worried about doing a bad job with the kid. It could always be worse, right?"

"I'm not giving you a picture of me so you can remind yourself what failure looks like," snapped Crane.

He heard a click. "Too late!" chuckled Joker, pocketing the camera. "Gee, thanks, Johnny, you're a real inspiration, you know that?"

Crane sighed, staring out the window. "My pleasure," he muttered.


	7. Chapter 7

"Red? Red? You ok? Red? Can you hear me? Red?"

Ivy's eyes slowly flickered open. She was lying on the ground where she had fainted, and Harley was kneeling beside her, gazing at her in concern. "Harley?" said Ivy, sitting up slowly. "I had the most horrible nightmare! I dreamed that you told me you were…pregnant with the Joker's baby."

"Yeah, I am, Red," said Harley, nodding and smiling. "Ain't that the most wonderful thing you ever heard in your life?"

Ivy stared at her. "I…think I need to go…be sick," she gasped, rushing toward the bathroom.

"Yeah, you have drunk a lot," agreed Harley, following her. Ivy had her head stuck down the toilet, and Harley came over to hold her hair back out of the bowl.

"I've been getting to know my own toilet a lot better lately too," said Harley, calmly, as Ivy threw up. "I've had really bad morning sickness for the past few weeks."

"Bet J didn't hold your hair back for you," muttered Ivy.

"Well, I've been trying to hide it from him," continued Harley. "I haven't told him I'm pregnant yet, y'see. I wanted the moment I told him to be perfect and…well…the opportunity hasn't presented itself so far."

"I doubt he'll hold your hair back even when he knows," snapped Ivy. "The selfish creep isn't going to care about you any more now than he usually does."

"Sure he will, Red," murmured Harley. "I'm gonna have his baby. He's gonna be so happy when he hears the news. He's gonna be such a good Daddy."

"Doesn't seem like the fatherly type to me," muttered Ivy.

"Well, you don't know him like I do, Red," said Harley. "He's gonna be perfect. He even calls himself Daddy in bed…"

Ivy buried her face in the toilet again. Harley waited for her to stop vomiting, stroking her hair back gently. "I've always wanted kids, y'know," Harley murmured. "Ever since I was a kid myself, and I used to play house with my baby dolls. I had two, a girl and a boy, and I called them Arleen and J.J. J.J. stood for different things depending on the kinda mood I was in – John Junior, James Junior, Jason Junior, Jack Junior – there are a lotta guy J names, and I always wanted to marry a guy with a J name. And then when I met Mr. J, I knew he'd be the perfect Daddy to my kids. Granted, it would've been kinda nice if we coulda got married before I got pregnant, but I ain't complaining. I've got a tiny miracle growing inside me, a tiny miracle that I made with the man I love most in the whole wide world. How lucky can a gal get?"

"Harley…I wish I could be happy for you," murmured Ivy. "But I can't help but think that J is gonna treat the kid just as badly as he always treats you. And I'd hate to see a child suffer the way you suffer. It's bad enough watching you. I just don't wanna think about you both showing up on my doorstep after J's kicked you out, battered, bruised, and sobbing your eyes out."

"Nah, he wouldn't do that, Red," murmured Harley. "This kid's gonna mean a lot of growing up…for both of us. But he'll do it. He loves me. And he'll love our baby. I just know it."

"I wish I had as much faith in him as you do," muttered Ivy. "Or any faith in him at all, really."

There was a knock on the front door. "Selina! B.I.T.C.H.E.S! Can one of you get that?" called Ivy.

They heard the door open and a voice say, "Good evening, ladies, and I use the term loosely."

"Mr. J!" gasped Harley, racing toward the living room.

"A little pet of mine ran away earlier tonight and I heard it's been found here, so I've just come to collect it and be on my way, and leave you ladies to your loneliness," continued Joker, as the other women glared at him furiously. "Can see why most of you don't have a man – you're certainly not the greatest bunch of lookers I've ever seen."

"Screw you, J!" snapped Selina. "No, Harley, stay there!" she shouted as Harley entered the room. "Don't go back to this abusive creep! He doesn't deserve you!"

"She's right, honey," said another woman. "And trust me, things ain't gonna get any easier after the baby is born. If anything, it'll make things worse…"

"I…dunno what you're talking about," said Harley, hastily, hoping Mr. J hadn't heard that. This was definitely not how she wanted him to find out about her pregnancy.

"Yeah, if that thing's the father, you're better off not having the kid," said another one. "I got a number you can call if you're interested in…"

"I said I dunno what you're talking about!" shouted Harley. "If…Mr. J ever got me pregnant, I would really want the kid, and I would never even consider getting rid of it, but this is purely hypothetical speculation…"

"He has no right to make you carry his child for nine months of grueling labor," spoke up another. "No man has the right to use your body in that way!"

"For the last time, if I was pregnant, I would be really, really excited!" shouted Harley. "But I ain't! I ain't," she whispered, turning back to the Joker, who was staring at her.

"You ain't?" he murmured. "You sure?"

"I…I…" stammered Harley, tears coming to her eyes.

"Because I described your symptoms to Johnny Crane here, and he thinks you're probably pregnant," murmured Joker. "But then he can be an idiot sometimes."

"I…didn't wanna tell you like this," whispered Harley, tears trickling down her face. "Not here, not surrounded by these people. I wanted it to be somewhere special, with just the two of us, celebrating what the two of us had created together…"

"What the hell are you babbling about, you stupid woman?" murmured Joker. "I don't care how you tell me, you dumb broad! Just tell me."

Harley gazed at him. "I'm…pregnant, puddin'," she whispered. "I'm gonna have your baby."

He approached her slowly. He stood in front of her, looking down at her tearful, shaking form. "That wasn't so hard, was it?" he murmured.

"Nah uh, Mr. J…" she began, but was cut off when he seized her in his arms and shoved his mouth into hers, kissing her passionately. Harley shut her eyes and surrendered to the intensity of his kiss, and the world melted away.

She returned to reality at last when he drew away slowly, murmuring, "Baby, you're the greatest."

He hugged her tightly. "And I love you, you dizzy dame," he whispered in her ear. "I love you."

Tears sprang to her eyes again. "Oh, Mr. J," she whispered, throwing her arms around his neck. "I love you too!"

There was a collective "aw" from the surrounding women as they embraced.

"Hey, what is this, a 90s sitcom?" demanded Joker, whirling around. "I don't need noises of approval judging my every action! Just beat it, you ugly buncha cows!"

"Puddin', don't be unkind to Red and Selina's friends," said Harley.

"They must only keep 'em around so they can seem more attractive by comparison," said Joker. "Hey, Johnny, you might have a shot with one of these old bags! Get in there!"

"I'm so sorry about him – he doesn't represent men in general," stammered Crane as the women filed angrily out of the apartment. "In fact, he just told me he was a woman once in some weird Flashpoint Paradox thing…not that he represents women in general either," he added hastily.

The door slammed shut and the supercriminals were left alone. "So…Selina, how's Batman?" asked Crane.

Selina's eyes narrowed. "How's Batman?" she repeated. "What, you only think about me in relation to the man I used to be interested in? I'm not an important entity in my own right? Why didn't you ask how _I _was?"

"I was just…making conversation," stammered Crane.

"Oh, give it up, Selina," muttered Ivy, entering the room clutching an icepack to her head. "I've actually had enough man-hating for one night, and I never thought I'd say that."

"Well, then, I don't know what I'm still doing here," retorted Selina, standing up. "If this isn't gonna help me hate Batman more, I'm gonna go find him and do it myself. Excuse me," she said, leaping out the window.

"Red, you missed the big announcement!" exclaimed Harley, beaming. "Puddin' knows I'm pregnant!"

"And?" muttered Ivy, glaring at him.

Joker shrugged. "And the kid did all right," he said, spanking Harley playfully. "Course I can't deny that I'm gonna miss being able to slap her around for nine months, but for a gag like Joker Junior? It's gonna be worth it."

"Really? You think your kid's a gag?" sighed Ivy, rolling her eyes. "Well, that's a promising start, I must say."

"I'm thinking J.J. if it's a boy, and Arleen if it's a girl. What do you think, puddin'?" asked Harley, tentatively.

"I think we should discuss the details in private, pooh," he said, lifting her off her feet and carrying her towards the door. "You ain't too heavy yet, are ya, you useless waste of space?"

"Nah uh, Mr. J," giggled Harley.

"And you know what the best part about all this is, guys?" asked Joker, turning back to face Ivy and Crane. He grinned, and grabbed one of Harley's breasts. "There are only gonna get bigger!" he chuckled. "Night night, ladies!"

"And Johnny!" called Ivy after him.

"I said ladies!" called back Joker.

Crane sighed, standing up. "Well, goodnight, Pamela. If Harley needs anything…please do tell her I'd be happy to help. I don't imagine Joker will be supportive for very much longer."

"I'll give it a week, but I'm being kind," said Ivy.

"Agreed," said Crane.

He left, and Ivy went to the window, where Joker was helping Harley into the front seat of the car, and shutting the door behind her. "Three days," she muttered, turning away. "I'm not in a kind mood."


	8. Chapter 8

"Ok, guys, you've probably heard the rumors by now, and I think it's time we confirmed to you that they're true," said Joker a few days later to the group of assembled henchmen. "Harley is…expecting," he said, gesturing to Harley, who beamed. Her face was positively glowing, and she kept her hands clasped around her belly, stroking it lovingly.

The henchmen shared a look. "Uh…expecting what, boss?" asked one, raising his hand.

"Expecting. A baby," retorted Joker.

The henchmen shared another look. "Gee, boss, do ya really have to keep us hanging here?" asked the same one. "What's she expecting a baby to do?"

"I mean she's going to have a baby!" snapped Joker. "She's pregnant!"

"Oh, congrats!" said the henchman. "Whose is it?"

Joker pulled out his gun and shot the henchman in the face. "So this means we're gonna have a few changes around here," he continued calmly, as the body slumped to the ground. "Harley can't fight the Bat the way she used to, so you boys are really gonna have to up your game. Roc…where's Rocco?" he asked, looking around.

Rocco Demarco, the Joker's most loyal and long suffering henchman, suddenly burst into the room. "Sorry I'm late, boss!" he gasped. "I was meeting my daughter for lunch and couldn't get away."

The Joker bit his lip. Normally he didn't tolerate tardiness, but considering it involved Rocco's kid…

"Don't worry about it, Roc," he said, smiling.

"What? Really?" asked Rocco, shocked.

"Yeah. But I might as well get you up to speed – Harley's pregnant."

"Congratulations, boss!" exclaimed Rocco, sincerely. "And to you, Harley! That's wonderful news! You must be so excited!"

"Yeah, I really am, Roc," said Harley, smiling.

"When are you due? What are you hoping for, boy or girl? Any cravings yet?"

"Roc, Roc, let's not get too personal," said Joker.

"I…didn't think those were very personal questions…" began Rocco.

"I was just telling the guys that Harley being outta action means the rest of you are gonna have to step up your game," repeated Joker. "Roc, you're promoted to henchgirl."

"O…K, boss. Do I have to wear the outfit?" asked Rocco, slowly.

"No. Any other questions?" asked Joker, looking around the room.

Another henchman raised his hand. "Uh…boss? Where does the baby come out?" he asked, gesturing to Harley.

"And how did it get in?" asked another.

Joker stared at them. "Do you guys…really not know this stuff?" he asked, slowly. "I didn't think it was…uncommon knowledge."

"I know the baby's in her stomach," said the henchman, nodding. "But how does it get outta there? Do ya have to cut it out?"

"Or does it eat its way out, like in that _Alien _movie?" asked the other one.

"No, because it's not an alien baby!" snapped Joker. "It's a human baby, and it comes out the same way it came in! Through her…her…y'know," he said, gesturing down.

The henchmen looked blankly back at him, except Rocco, who just looked uncomfortable. So did Joker and Harley.

"Y'know," repeated Joker. "What women have got…down there."

"But that's really small, boss, and a baby is really big by comparison," said the henchman. "How can it possibly fit through that?"

"Well, it…it…stretches," said Joker. "I think. Don't it, Harley?"

"Yeah," agreed Harley. "But I still have to…push it out…when the time comes."

"How do ya know when the time comes?" asked the henchman.

"Well…my water will break, and I'll go into labor," said Harley.

"How can you break water?" asked the henchman.

"It's just an expression for…the fluid around my baby," said Harley. "Which will come out when it's ready to be born…I think. Puddin'?"

"Don't ask me!" snapped Joker. "Roc? You've had a kid. Is that what happens?"

"Yeah, sorta," agreed Rocco. "But there can be a lotta time between the water breaking and the contractions starting, and that's the actual beginning of labor. That's when you'll need to head to the hospital."

"I better write this down," said Harley, looking around for a pen. "Contractions – head to hospital," she wrote. "Remember that, puddin'. Now how long does labor usually take, Roc? And I hear it hurts – do you think it hurts more than Mr. J in a playful and sadistic mood? Or do you think I'll need drugs?"

"Uh…Carla was very insistent about the drugs," said Rocco, slowly. "Though maybe she ain't used to as much pain as you…I hear it's unimaginable, though."

"What, worse than being punched out by the Bat, or having hyenas tearing bits off you while you're alive?" snorted Joker. "Yeah, right."

"Well, Carla didn't use those exact situations specifically…but yeah, that's kinda how I understand it," said Rocco, nodding. "Apparently it's a level of pain men will never experience."

"Good thing you love pain then, huh, baby?" asked Joker, smiling at her.

Harley looked a bit terrified, but nodded. "Yeah…and the drugs help, huh, Rocco?"

"Look, I don't have all the answers," said Rocco. "Angela was born a long time ago, so I don't remember all of it. And I don't wanna scare you, Harley, because it's gonna be worth the pain, no question. But maybe you guys should get some books and read up on childbirth. Carla dragged me to some pregnancy classes for couples too, just so you know what kinda things to expect during the pregnancy and once the baby arrives. They were…uh…interesting, but they helped you put things into perspective a little. Y'know, thousands of couples have babies every year. It may seem scary, but you're not alone. And it's just helpful to get an idea of the kinda stuff you're gonna be facing, especially with your first child."

"Yeah, sounds like a great idea, Roc," said Harley, nodding. "What do you say, puddin'? We should sign up for these pregnancy classes, huh?"

"We?" repeated Joker. "I ain't coming."

"It's for Daddys too, ain't it, Roc?" asked Harley.

"I think it would really help if you went along, boss," said Rocco. "You definitely won't be the only guy there. And it would help you field difficult questions like this from the guys in future."

"C'mon, puddin'," pleaded Harley, "You wanna be a good Daddy, doncha?"

"Of course I do!" he snapped. "But I hated school! Plus I got a reputation to preserve, pumpkin – can you really see the Joker taking pregnancy classes? If the Bat ever found out, I couldn't face him again!"

"I'm sure the Bat would be pleased that you're trying to be a good, supportive Daddy from the very beginning," said Harley. "And I'm sure if he ever got a gal pregnant, he'd go to pregnancy classes with her too."

"Yeah? You really think he would?" asked Joker.

"Sure I do, puddin'," agreed Harley, nodding. "Besides, just think about what a great gag it is! The Joker doing pregnancy classes! It'll be a laugh riot, huh, puddin'?"

Joker thought for a moment, and then beamed. "Y'know what, baby?" he giggled. "I really think it could be!"


	9. Chapter 9

"Welcome soon-to-be parents!" said the instructor. "I know you're all very excited about the little bundles of joy that are going to enrich your life very soon…"

"Unless you didn't plan for it to happen!" chuckled Joker. "Guilty as charged, by the way! C'mon, show of hands! Who else is here because of an accident? Oh, and while you're at it, explain that, Doc!" he snapped, glaring at the instructor. "Harley here has been on the pill for years, so how come it suddenly don't work no more?"

"Uh…well…" stammered the instructor. "Even the best protection isn't 100% effective…"

"Well, there's some fine print for you!" snapped Joker. "And people call _me _a criminal! But I guess that's the contraception industry for you, heartlessly taking advantage of people's addictions. No wonder the Pope hates it – it's just as evil as the tobacco industry. I mean, what are we supposed to do, just not have sex?"

"That, or…I guess you could always get a vasectomy," said the instructor, slowly.

"What, you expect me to change my body for her?!" demanded Joker. "I ain't gonna do that! I've only ever changed my body for one person – Batman. And that wasn't voluntary. But he's broken my jaw so much that I can actually dislocate it at will now. Watch…"

"Well, this time Harley has agreed to change her body for you," interrupted the instructor. "All women's bodies experience an incredible physical transformation over pregnancy. I'm just going to give you a detailed run-down of the changes you'll experience trimester by trimester, if you'll all just turn your attention to the screen…"

"Jesus Christ!" exclaimed Joker, as an image appeared. "Does this course come with a warning label?! I ain't old enough to see that! What is this, a baby class, or a get-you-in-the-mood-for-making-babies class? Gotta say, though, it's working," he chuckled, sliding an arm around Harley's waist.

"We assume that anyone capable of conceiving a child can handle images of an adult nature," retorted the instructor. "Anyway, there is nothing inappropriate about the naked female form. It is a beautiful thing, especially during pregnancy. You ladies should think of these changes as only increasing your already amazing attractiveness."

"Like hell," snorted Joker. "Fat ain't attractive."

"Puddin', please behave," hissed Harley.

"I read that men are more likely to cheat toward the third trimester of a woman's pregnancy," said one of the women in the class, raising her hand. "Is that true?"

Before the instructor could respond, Joker fielded the question. "Look, you can't blame a guy for not wanting to be crushed by fat every night, can you?" he said, turning to her. "And judging by the fact that your guy couldn't even be bothered to come to this class with ya, toots, I'd say he's probably cheating already. Maybe right now, as we speak. I mean, I'm sitting through this garbage, and I'm the Joker, so how crap must your boyfriend be? It ain't Batman, is it?"

"You ladies must not be insecure about your appearance," snapped the instructor. "Most men think pregnant women are very attractive."

"Well, only if they got some kinda creepy fetish," added Joker. "And I gotta say, I got a lot of creepy fetishes, but that ain't one of 'em."

"Please don't listen to him," growled the instructor. "He doesn't speak for all men. My husband never found me more sexually attractive than when I was pregnant. Each and every woman in here is incredibly beautiful and utterly exceptional, and I'm sure you'll all make fantastic mothers."

"Hey, you wanna stop with the compliments?" snapped Joker. "I got Harley's self-esteem just where I want it, and the last thing I need is people destroying all my hard work and filling her head with positive self-images!"

"Returning our attention to the screen, we can see how the female body changes over the course of pregnancy…" began the instructor.

"God, the female body is disgusting, isn't it?" asked Joker, making a face. "And look at that dame! She looks like a walrus! You ladies saying you think that's attractive?!"

"If any men are uncomfortable seeing the slideshow, perhaps they'd prefer to wait outside for the time being," said the instructor, pointedly.

"Don't have to tell me twice!" chuckled Joker, standing up. "C'mon, guys, let's wait in the lobby and have a few smokes."

"You can't smoke in this building…" began the instructor, but Joker had already left the room.

"Geez, dames," he muttered, taking a seat in the lobby and lighting a cigar. "They get crazier than usual when they're pregnant, huh? Don't smoke. Don't make me dye my hair. Don't hit me. Gotta make sure the power doesn't go to their heads somehow. Although I ain't got any ideas on how to discipline without violence. Does anyone else?" he asked, looking around at the other men.

"Uh…I can't say I usually…discipline my wife," stammered one.

"Yeah?" asked Joker, surprised. "But how do you keep the spark alive without a firm backhand every once in a while? I mean, I guess there's always mental manipulation, but that's sightly less fun…"

"You mentally manipulate your wife?" asked another man.

Joker laughed. "Wife?" he repeated. "Why would the kid be my wife, just because she's gonna have…" He trailed off, and puffed thoughtfully on his cigar for a moment. Then he shook his head. "Yeah, 'course I mentally manipulate her. Guy's gotta wear the pants in the relationship, right? Don't wanna be emasculated by some dame."

"How do you do it?" asked the man. "I always end up doing what my wife tells me."

There was a murmur of agreement from the surrounding guys. Joker stared at them. "Well, ya gotta grow some balls, for a start," he retorted. "Jesus, how did any of you get your dames pregnant? I would've thought it was anatomically impossible. Here, I'll be the wife, and you be you. All right…what's your name?"

"Harry."

"All right, Harry, I got lady problems again because I'm pregnant, so you'll have to cook dinner tonight, and do the dishes. And while you're at it, clean those leaves outta the gutter, and clear out the garage. Do it now."

"Yes…dear," he stammered.

"No!" shouted Joker. "You say no! You say do it yourself, you useless waste of space, and don't speak to me like that again, or baby or no baby, I'll slap you around, so help me! Jesus, when did guys get so cowed that they won't even stand up to a woman? I blame Pammie's friends – they've influenced a generation of sissies! Look, you love your wife, right?"

"Of course," agreed the man.

"So do it for her own good," retorted Joker. "If you want to keep on loving her for the rest of your lives together, you gotta make sure she does the things you want when you want it, otherwise you're gonna get annoyed with her and start to hate her. You gotta keep her under your thumb. Nobody is gonna wanna live with an insolent dame forever. It'll be better for your relationship if she just does what you say all the time. 95% of divorces are caused by irreconcilable differences. You know what that means? It means the dame not doing what the guy says no more."

"Really?" asked the man.

"Probably," retorted Joker, shrugging.

"You know what I'm worried about?" asked another of the guys. "Sympathy pregnancy."

"What the hell is that?" asked Joker.

"It's when the man starts experiencing similar symptoms to his pregnant partner," explained the guy. "Morning sickness, weight gain, irregular sleeping patterns, postpartum depression, that kinda thing."

"My nipples have become more tender," murmured one man.

"For God's sake!" snapped Joker, standing up and crushing his cigar under his shoe. "If I wanted to hear girly talk about tender nipples, I coulda just stayed in the room with the dames! Why doncha all come talk to me again when you've grown a pair!"

He stormed back into the room with the women, sitting down next to Harley, just as the instructor was saying, "…and of course your pregnancy may mean your sex drive is little to non-existent, but that's only natural…"

"Thank God!" exclaimed Joker. "Why can't you be pregnant all the time, huh, Harl?" he asked, turning to her. "She thinks I'm a goddamn machine!"

"We were just about to invite the men back in for a little exercise," said the instructor. "Since you're here, Mr. Joker, would you like to go first?"

She held up a bodysuit with an enlarged belly and breasts. "This is called an Empathy Belly, and it's designed to give the male partner a simulated physical experience of what the female partner will be going through during pregnancy…"

Joker took one look at the suit, then grabbed Harley's hand and dragged her to her feet. "We're leaving now, Harl," he snapped. "I ain't comfortable with all this making men into women and women into men stuff. Just sick if you ask me. You see what I'm doing, guys?!" he shouted as they passed the lobby. "I'm forcing my dame to leave her crazy pregnancy class! That's what real men do! They don't have tender nipples and sympathy pregnancies! God, I fear for the future, Harley," he sighed, forcing her into the passenger seat of their car.

"I fear for our baby if you won't even sit through one class to make our pregnancy easier!" snapped Harley.

"It ain't _our _pregnancy – it's _your _pregnancy," snapped Joker, starting the car. "And the best thing we could do for the kid is help it stay far away from people like that. Sympathy, empathy, ugh," he spat, making a face. "Don't want our kid learning dirty words like that, especially not at a young age. Might scar him for life."

Harley sighed, looking out the window. He glanced at her as he drove. "I'll buy you a book on pregnancy," he said. "How does that sound?"

"Fine, Mr. J," she murmured, turning to study him. "You do…want this baby, huh, puddin'?"

"Ain't got a choice, do I?" he retorted.

"No," she agreed. "But it would be nice to know that…you supported me…"

"Support's another dirty word we ain't gonna say in front of the baby, Harl," he retorted.

"Ok, Mr. J," she murmured, stroking her belly softly.

He sighed. "Hey, kid," he muttered. She looked at him. "I'm gonna take care of you, all right?" he murmured. "You and the kid. I ain't joking about that."

She nodded, smiling at him. "Do you wanna hear a joke?" he asked.

"Of course, puddin'," she replied.

"Ain't a funny joke, more of a scary joke," he said. "Lemme tell ya about this thing called a sympathy pregnancy…"


	10. Chapter 10

Harley awoke in the middle of the night to hear a sound from the bathroom. "Puddin'?" she asked, rubbing her eyes sleepily. "You ok?"

"Fine, Harley, go back to sleep," snapped Joker.

"You sick?" asked Harley, getting up and knocking on the bathroom door.

"No!"

"You sound like you're throwing up. You sure you ain't sick?"

"Yes, I'm fine, you nosy little brat! Get back to bed!"

Harley shrugged, heading back to bed and climbing under the covers. A few moments later, the Joker emerged, scowling angrily as he climbed back into bed. "That crap you made for dinner probably gave me food poisoning," he muttered.

"I ain't sick, puddin'," she replied.

"Good for you!" he snapped, rolling over to face away from her.

Harley sighed. "I thought I was meant to be the temperamental one," she muttered, rubbing her belly gently and shutting her eyes.

She woke up again a few hours later when she felt the Joker roll over in bed again. "Puddin'? You still awake?" she murmured, yawning.

He grunted in response. "Everything ok?" she asked, sitting up slowly. "You don't usually toss and turn like this."

"I'm an unpredictable guy!" he snapped.

"I know, puddin'," she murmured. "But is there something on your mind that's keeping you awake, maybe? You know you can always talk to me."

"The last thing I wanna do at 4 A.M. is talk!" snapped Joker, sitting up and reaching for his robe. "I'm going to my study to do some work. Plan a scheme or something."

"Ok, puddin'," she murmured, quietly.

He turned to look at her. "You…ok?" he muttered. "You need anything?"

"No, but thanks for asking, puddin'," said Harley, surprised.

"You ain't got cravings yet or nothing, huh?" he asked.

"Well…I'm actually really in the mood for some ice cream," she murmured.

"Yeah, so am I," agreed Joker. "Back in a sec."

He returned a moment later with two bowls of chocolate ice cream doused with chocolate syrup, whipped cream, and sprinkles. "This is real nice of you, puddin'…" began Harley.

"Hey, don't start with all the mushy gratitude stuff," muttered Joker. "I mean, what do you expect me to do, just ignore the fact that you're pregnant? That's my kid in your stomach there," he said, pointing. "Kid came from me. Gotta take care of the dame who's carrying Joker Junior, don't I? You don't need to be crazy to see the sense in that."

"No," agreed Harley. "Just kinda…unusual for you, puddin'."

"I told you, I'm an unpredictable guy!" he snapped, returning his attention to his ice cream. They ate in silence for a while.

Joker cleared his throat at last. "You…uh…worry about how the kid's gonna turn out?"

"What, you mean if the baby's healthy? I'm taking every precaution, puddin'…"

"No, I mean…in the long run. Healthy baby's important too, don't get me wrong, but…what if the kid…I dunno. What if he grows up to be a nerd or something?"

"Well…I hope we'll love him however he turns out," murmured Harley, "Or her. I know I will."

"But what if the kid…I dunno," he repeated. "What if he…ain't crazy like us, Harl? What if he sees the world the way…say, Bats sees it. What if he thinks we're…bad?"

Harley was silent. "I guess…we'd have to respect his…or her decision," she murmured. "I mean, I guess even if they wanted to be Robin…"

"Oh God, Harley!" exclaimed Joker in disgust, burying his head in his hands. "Don't even make me think about that, would ya?! I'm gonna have nightmares for the rest of my life now!"

"Look, the point is we'd still love him, or her," retorted Harley. "You don't stop loving people just because they disappoint you, or just because they don't turn out quite the way you want them to be. This is your kid. You gotta love them unconditionally, whatever happens."

"Yeah. You're used to that, ain't ya, you worthless brat?" he muttered.

Harley beamed. "Uh huh," she said, kissing his cheek. "Think you can_ get_ used to it, puddin'?" she murmured.

"I guess I'll have to," he sighed.

"I think it's gonna be easier than you think," she murmured. "When you hold your son or daughter for the first time…I think loving them is gonna be the most natural thing in the world."

He nodded slowly. "Maybe," he murmured. He cleared his throat again. "Look, this kid…I don't want it to be…y'know…a bastard. They're gonna have enough stigma attached to them already being my kid without adding bastard to it."

"I'm sure we can raise him or her to be a good person, puddin'…" began Harley.

"No, I mean…a real bastard," interrupted Joker. "Kid who's born…outta wedlock. Whose parents weren't married. I know people are more accepting in this day and age, but if it ever came down to inheritance or anything, I just wouldn't wanna leave any loophole for the kid's rights to be challenged."

Harley stared at him. "What are you saying?" she whispered.

"I'm saying…I think we should get married," he muttered. "For the kid's sake, y'know."

"You…wanna marry me?" whispered Harley.

"For the kid's sake," repeated Joker, firmly. "Yeah. Why? Don't you wanna get married?"

"And…this is how you're proposing to me?" she said, slowly. "In my pajamas, at four in the morning, when I've just woken up, and with a face covered in ice cream and chocolate sauce?"

Joker chuckled, leaning forward to kiss her, and lick some of the chocolate sauce around her mouth. "Unpredictable guy, remember, baby?" he murmured. "Did you want a big, public proposal in a park somewhere? Or did you want just the two of us, together in bed, covered in ice cream? Must bring back good memories, huh, pooh? Anyway, I got ya a ring."

He reached into the pocket of his bathrobe and pulled out a small tin ring, holding it out to her. Harley looked at it. "Is this off a can of tuna?" she asked.

"Yeah, found it in the kitchen," he replied. "Why?"

"I hate fish, Mr. J," she muttered.

"Fine, you ungrateful brat!" he snapped, throwing the ring onto the floor. "Don't marry me! See if I care!"

He stood up and stormed from the room. "Puddin', wait!" called Harley, grabbing her robe and hurrying to her feet. "Puddin'…"

But she heard the front door slam. She sighed, making her way slowly back to bed and climbing in gingerly. "Way to go, Harl," she muttered to herself, settling down on the pillows. "Your baby's Daddy proposes to you, just like you've always wanted, and you drive him away. You're a real screw up, you know that?"

She cried into her pillow for hours before she finally fell asleep.


	11. Chapter 11

Harley woke up to daylight, and someone shaking her roughly. "Harley, c'mon, rise and shine – we got a big day ahead of us."

"Mmm…puddin'?" she asked, as her eyes adjusted to the brightness. "Where did you go last night?"

"Look, stop lazing around in bed, would ya?" he snapped, grabbing her by the shoulders and forcing her to sit up. "C'mon, get up. We got a lot to do today and not a lotta time to do it in."

"Puddin'…what…" she began.

"Here, stand up," he said, pulling her onto her feet. "Jesus, you have put on weight, haven't ya, you useless waste of space?"

"Yeah…so have you, puddin'," said Harley, studying him.

"No, I ain't!" he shouted, raising his hand to hit her. But with incredible effort, he slowly lowered his hand, and then threw open the door. "Hey, Roc, can you send a henchguy in here for a second, please?"

"Sure thing, boss!" shouted Rocco, and a second later, a henchman entered the room.

"Yeah, boss…" he began, but Joker suddenly punched him hard across the face, knocking him to the ground.

Harley watched in surprise as Joker continued to beat him, shouting, "Don't you dare insult me, you little brat! You keep your useless mouth shut in future, or I'll break every bone in your body, you got it?!"

Joker beat the henchman until he was unconscious, and then smiled. "Roc, can you get him outta here, please?" he called.

"Yes, boss," said Rocco, entering the room and dragging the body away. Harley just stared at him in astonishment.

"Puddin', what…"

"Roc and I were discussing last night how I'm gonna control my temper with you being pregnant and all," explained Joker happily, as he went to go wash the blood off his hands. "It took a lotta thought, but we finally decided to go with this whipping boy idea. Basically, if you do something to upset me, rather than taking it out on you and potentially damaging the baby, I'm just gonna have Roc send in a henchman to take your punishment for you. I'll probably get through a lotta henchmen, but I'm sure they're happy to take a beating for the sake of our kid."

He whistled cheerfully as he changed into a new purple suit, and placed a new flower in his button hole. "Yep, I think it's gonna work out just fine! Now, pooh, before we were so rudely interrupted…" he said, turning to her and kneeling down.

Harley gaped at him. "Puddin'…what…" she began.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a tiny box, which he opened to reveal a big, sparkling, diamond ring. "I stole this for you after I stormed off last night," he murmured. "I guess if we're gonna do this, we should do it properly, for the kid's sake, y'know."

He looked up at her. "Harley Quinn, will you marry me?" he murmured.

Harley burst into tears again, throwing herself into his arms. "Of course I will, puddin'!" she sobbed. "I…I never thought you'd…oh, puddin'!"

"Hey, hey, take it easy," he muttered. "I know you're all hormonal, being pregnant and everything, but ya gotta get ahold of yourself, pumpkin. We gotta be at the courthouse in twenty minutes."

"W…what?" gasped Harley.

"Yeah, and you don't wanna have red, blotchy eyes at your wedding, do ya?" he said, wiping her tears away. "Got the justice of the peace all tied up waiting for us, and some random witnesses we can kill after they sign our marriage certificate. So why doncha change into something nice, slap on some makeup, and get ready to go, huh, pooh?"

"Twenty minutes?" repeated Harley, her shock turning to panic. "I…I can't be ready to get married in twenty minutes! I ain't got a dress, and I gotta have time to do my hair and my makeup…"

"Who cares about all that, pooh?" he interrupted. "I'm marrying you, not selling you! You don't have to look your best for me – that ain't what marriage is about. Marriage is about looking your worst, and expecting the guy you're marrying to be ok with that. Which I am. I mean, you look pretty crap right now, with your tears and your bedhair and your baby fat, and, well, call me crazy, but I still wanna marry you. All you gotta do is say yes, and I won't care how the hell you look. Not now or ever."

Harley just stared at him. Then she beamed, throwing herself into his arms again. "That's the most romantic thing you've ever said to me!" she whispered. "I…I guess I'll just wear my usual costume and makeup then."

She hurried to get dressed as Joker kept his eye on his watch. She emerged from the bathroom at last and Joker held out his hand to her. "Ready to take the plunge, baby?" he murmured.

She took his hand and clasped it tightly. "Just as long as you're plunging with me, puddin'," she whispered.

He kissed her and they headed out the door.

…

"Well, that was a complete waste of time!" snapped Joker, re-entering their bedroom a few hours later and throwing the marriage certificate on the floor.

"Yeah, who would've thought a wedding ceremony could be so boring?" said Harley, following him and sitting down carefully on the bed. "I dunno why I wanted to do that for so long, puddin'. Just a bunch of boring, meaningless words being read out by some old guy who takes too long, and is terrified of being shot in the face. Which he was anyway."

"At least it's over and done with now," said Joker. "And the kid's all legal and everything."

"Yeah," agreed Harley. "And I'm your wife."

"Yeah," he said, sitting down next to her. They were silent for a long time before Joker said, "Look, let's not spread that around, huh, pumpkin? I don't want the guys to think I was forced into this marriage thing by you getting pregnant and all. It'd look kinda bad. I got a reputation to preserve, y'know? And anyway, then you'd have to change your name to Harley Joker, and there's no gag in that. This whole getting married thing can just be our little secret, ok, pooh?"

"Oh…ok, Mr. J," said Harley, slightly disappointed.

"Aw, c'mon, pumpkin pie - keeping it a secret makes it much more fun," said Joker, grinning. "You're my legal Mrs. J, but nobody knows it. Don't you find that kinda…thrilling, baby?" he murmured, running his hand up her leg.

"Mmm, a little, Mr. J," agreed Harley, as she began kissing him.

"Thought that instructor said your sex drive was non-existent during your pregnancy," muttered Joker, returning her kisses.

"Well, I think I can make an exception on our wedding night," she said, grinning. "Just…y'know…the baby's in there, so don't be too rough."

"Shame, really," he murmured, unzipping her costume. "Nothing like a good punch-up for getting me in the mood…"

The door flew open suddenly and Rocco rushed into the room. "Jesus, Roc, knock on our wedding night, would ya…" began Joker.

"Boss, ya gotta get outta here now!" he gasped. "It's the Bat! He's here!"

"Batsy?" repeated Joker. "Well, let him in! He can congratulate me on my wedding and on my impending fatherhood!"

"Nah, boss, I don't think he'll be doing that," said Rocco hastily, glancing over his shoulder. "I think even if you manage to tell him about Harley's pregnancy before he starts beating her, he's still gonna drag you both back to Arkham."

Harley's face filled with panic. "I…I can't have my baby in Arkham, puddin'!" she gasped. "The doctors won't let me keep him – they'll take him away from me!"

"Yeah…much as I love Batsy, maybe we oughta skedaddle," said Joker, reaching for his jacket. "Think the guys can hold him off, Roc?"

"We will for as long as possible," said Rocco. "Take the back stairs."

"Harley, c'mon," Joker said, helping her to her feet. "And don't make me carry you – it'll only slow us down."

They raced out of the room and down the back stairs. Joker helped Harley into their car, and then jumped into the driver's seat, starting the car and driving off.

"Don't worry, pooh – by the time Batsy beats the guys, we'll be miles away," said Joker as he sped through the streets.

"I hope he don't hurt 'em too badly, puddin'," said Harley.

"Nah, you know Bats," said Joker. "He talks big, but he really ain't so scary…"

Harley screamed suddenly as a black shape landed on the top of the car. Joker served the car, attempting to throw Batman off the roof, but he clung on.

"Ok, we're gonna have to tuck and roll outta the car," said Joker.

"I'm pregnant!" shrieked Harley. "I can't tuck and roll outta a moving vehicle!"

"Fine, I'll think of another plan!" snapped Joker. He slammed on the brakes suddenly, throwing Batman forward and knocking him onto the windscreen. Which Batman abruptly punched a hole through, grabbing Joker by the collar and wrenching him out of the car.

"Let him go!" shrieked Harley, trying to open her door.

"Just stay in there, Harley!" shouted Joker. "Stay outta it!"

"You stole a diamond ring from the Gotham Museum worth 2 million dollars," growled Batman. "I want that ring, or the money you made from the sale of it right now."

Joker nodded. "Ok, Bats," he said. "Harley, give him the ring."

Harley obeyed, sliding it off her finger and throwing it at Batman. Batman looked from Harley to Joker in puzzlement. "You…gave it to Harley?" he said, slowly.

"Yeah. Got a problem with that?" snapped Joker.

"Just unusually romantic, for you," retorted Batman.

"I was in an unusually romantic mood," said Joker. He grinned. "Probably like you are whenever you see me, eh, Batsy?"

"Shut up," growled Batman, slamming him down on the hood of the car and forcing his hands behind his back. "You're going back to Arkham. Harley, come out of the car."

"Don't come out of the car, Harley," commanded Joker.

"Come out voluntarily, or I'll drag you out," snapped Batman.

"You…you can't do that…Bats," stammered Harley, tears in her eyes. "Please…"

"If you don't come out right now, I'll make you regret it," murmured Batman.

"No, you won't," said Harley firmly, opening the door and stepping out. The bulge in her stomach was easily visible through her skintight costume, and the realization hit Batman just before she said, "I'm pregnant."

The statement took him aback. He was even more taken aback when Joker slammed the back of his head upward to collide with Batman's nose. He reeled back, releasing Joker's arms. Joker punched him hard, and then sprayed Joker toxin from the flower in his button hole into Batman's face. While Batman was coughing and reaching for an antidote, Joker and Harley climbed back into the car and sped off. Batman stared after them, shocked and horrified, as the car was lost in the distance.

"Did you recover the ring, sir?" asked Alfred as Batman climbed out of the Batmobile in the Batcave later that night.

Batman nodded slowly, holding up the ring. "Well done, sir - that would have been such a devastating loss for the museum," said Alfred. "The story goes that Napoleon gave that diamond ring to Empress Josephine when he asked her to marry him. It's quite the historical treasure."

"Joker gave it to Harley," murmured Batman.

Alfred's normally imperturbable face looked slightly perturbed. "Goodness," he said. "How unusually gallant of him."

"That's not the only unusual thing about tonight," muttered Batman, sinking down in his chair in front of the Batcomputer and pulling off his mask. He ran his fingers through his hair as he looked up at Alfred. "Harley is pregnant," he murmured.

Alfred's face became even more perturbed. "Good Lord," he murmured.

"Exactly," sighed Batman. "As if it weren't hard enough protecting Gotham from those two, now I have to protect their own child from them. After it's born, I have to take it away. For its own sake."

"The poor child," said Alfred. "With parents such as those, it's doomed from its upbringing to become just like them."

"Not necessarily," murmured Batman. "Not if I can save it."

"I wish you luck, sir," replied Alfred.

"So do I," agreed Batman. "I mean, can you imagine the Joker as a father?"

"I daren't, sir," said Alfred, dryly, heading for the stairs.


	12. Chapter 12

About nine months later, Harley awoke in the middle of the night to the sound of crying. She sighed heavily, rubbing her eyes and trying to wake herself up, looking around at the empty bed. Suddenly, the crying stopped. Puzzled, Harley got up and headed for the nursery. It was empty.

Panic seized her. "Puddin'!" she called, rushing toward his study. If he wasn't asleep, he was bound to be working. She threw open the door and started in surprise at what she saw.

The Joker was holding Arleen and J.J., their twin babies, in his arms, rocking them gently as he explained his latest scheme to them. The babies had fallen silent, and were listening in rapt attention as their father spoke to them, gazing at him with their mother's wide, blue eyes.

"…so basically it'll result in the Bat's ultimate humiliation, followed by his deliciously delirious death," finished Joker. "Or that's the plan anyway. Funny thing is, though, things never quite seem to go to plan with me. But I guess the fun is in the unpredictability, huh, kiddies?"

Arleen gurgled happily, while J.J. curled up in his father's arms and yawned. "Yeah, you're both probably tuckered out from all that screaming earlier," said Joker, nodding. "Maybe I'd better get you back to bed. You too, pooh, you look tired," he said, smiling at Harley.

"Oh…yeah…I am, puddin'," said Harley, still gaping at him in astonishment. "I just thought…the babies were crying…"

"Well, I was up anyway, pooh, and you were so slow at getting your lazy ass outta bed, that I thought I'd better stop them screaming myself," said Joker. "Turns out all they needed was a little attention," he said, making a face at Arleen, who giggled. "I don't blame 'em. I'm the kinda guy who likes an audience myself. They'll grow up to be great comedians, just like their Daddy, won't they, precious?" he cooed, giving Arleen an Eskimo kiss.

"O…K…I'll just go back to bed…then," stammered Harley.

"Yeah, don't worry about these night shifts, baby – I'm up anyway, so I'll take care of the kiddies," he said. "You just rest up so you can take care of all their screaming and crying and messes they make during the day, how about that?"

"That…sounds great," stammered Harley. She beamed, and kissed him tenderly. "You're such a good Daddy."

"Course I am, Harley," he retorted. "These kiddies are mini versions of me. I gotta love 'em, because I love me."

"I love you too, puddin'," breathed Harley, kissing him again. "Goodnight. Goodnight, angels," she murmured, stroking her babies' faces gently.

She headed back to bed. Joker headed back into the nursery, lying the babies gently down in their cribs. He smiled at them as they slept. "If you wanna be angels, kiddies, you go ahead and do that," he murmured. "Be do-goody hero types if you wanna. I promise I won't be mad. It'd be a good joke, after all, the Joker's kids turning out to be heroic."

He kissed them both in turn. "But for once in my life, I hope you do the right thing, and take after your Daddy," he said, smiling and shutting the door behind him.

**The End**


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